As I entered the hospital, and walked down to your room, I saw you sleeping peacefully, you looked happy.
But then I noticed your wrists and how the bandages were stained red. I sat down beside you, and I saw all the scars covering your arms, and then I realised how many times you needed someone and how many times I was not there.

Drip

My marine left me. He left me on Thursday. I haven’t posted because I didn’t know what to say. He said we could be best friends, but today he told me to leave him alone, that I irritated him, that he would cut me out if I carried on.

I don’t even know what I’ve done, in the first place for him to break up with me and secondly for him to cut me out.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know who I am anymore, he’s completely, utterly destroyed me. It was just over a week ago that he gave me a ring and promised to love me forever. What happened?

My doctor refuses to re-medicate me either. Fuck him. 

I just love him so much, and I don’t know what to do. When I press my face into his chest, it’s the best feeling. I have honestly never felt like that before, with anybody, or about anybody. It just kills me because I let him in and he made me fall so hard for him and then he broke my heart. 

Can you imagine…

Can you imagine meeting someone who figures out why you’re so guarded?
Can you imagine finding someone who always stays?
No matter what you put them through…They always remain on your front porch, waiting for you.
The light never goes out. Your outline always remains in the bed sheets, they never fill your draw in the wardrobe.
They become a part of you, and you become a part of them.
So much so, that if they were ever to go missing, it would feel like you were missing too.

I feel like this, I’m so fucking lost and I need him. He finds me, he anchors me, and now it’s all different and I can’t cope. He’s the only person who I can be myself around and now I can’t even have that, because he doesn’t love who I really am anymore…

ScrewUp

I feel like such a screw up now. My marine hasn’t texted me in hours, and I know he isn’t busy because he’s been active on Facebook recently. He’s either turned his phone off, ignoring me, or doesn’t have signal.

I’m so disappointed with myself too because I haven’t hurt myself in a while, the scratches on my back had healed up completely and everything, and now it’s a wreck. I think the least he could do is talk to me, I deserve that much. Even if it’s just to say three words..to tell me he’s ignoring me instead of just leaving me hanging like this. It kills me. The killer is I don’t have any idea, none what so ever, what it is that I’ve done wrong.

I’m so hurt, everywhere hurts. My back and head and feelings especially. I’ve cried so much today. I have nobody and it hurts.

Confused

How on earth did TWO people manage to find my blog by googling “Im happy with my green passport and I’m proud” :s 

Dead

Do you think it’s possible for me to just curl up into a little ball on the floor and just die? Maybe all the pain, and suffering and hurt would go away, and I’d be able to breathe again, instead of these big baby sobs I’m doing right now, maybe it would all be better. I feel so crushed and he hasn’t even left me yet. I can’t bear the idea of it. 

One day, it was…

One day, it was perfect. The next day, it was over.

Worse

I feel pretty appalling today, both mentally and emotionally. 

I just got back from a four day trip to Amsterdam with my boyfriend and some friends. I had an amazing time..I’ll probably make a post about it when I don’t feel so mind crushingly unhappy. Me and my marine bickered a little over the weekend, not much, and I put it down as me feeling bipolar, his dyspraxia playing up, and us both being tired for the whole thing. Overall it was still great, we went on a little dinner date to this lovely little italian restaurant, and it was nice, lots of cuddles and kisses. He seems to feel otherwise though. I really, really don’t understand it.. he says he needs to sort his head out and think about us but I don’t understand why! I can feel him slipping away from me, putting this barrier in between us and I can’t stand it, I haven’t concentrated on my work all day and I REALLY need to, exams are only a few weeks away and yeah.. and I cry every time I think about losing him. I really don’t know what I would do without him, I just love him so much and respect him and he’s my best friend and I would be so lonely without him.. It scares me. I’m so scared of getting hurt and I really believed that he would never hurt me. 

I’m so confused because at the start of the trip he gave me a ring to signify that we would always love me..and now suddenly he isn’t sure? looking at that ring kills me now. I don’t know what to do, I really think it’ll push me over if he breaks up with me. He’s all I want.. I want a whole life with him, I want it badly.

Sigh. 

Late

Once again, I apologise for being absent. I know it’s been over a month since I posted, and I will, WILL start posting regularly again.. I kept meaning to..I wanted to, I just never actually posted. So many times I opened up a new post and just sat staring at it.. I didn’t know what to say to be honest. I think the break has done me some good though, and now I’ll post as much as I can.

The other thing is I haven’t really had much to say. I have up days, I have down days, but I think in general I’m much happier, healthier, and in a much better place than I was a month ago. I think I blog because I’m lonely and sad, and I haven’t been very lonely or sad recently. There are bad days, but there always will be. The difference is my marine helps me so much. I’ve never been in a relationship with so much trust and, more importantly, mutual respect. It’s done me a world of good.

My self esteem hasn’t been so good recently. Because (and I certainly know I’m not fat) but I’ve put on weight and I’m not used to it, and I see all these really, really pretty pictures of girls on Facebook and then I look at myself in the mirror and I look so awful in comparison and it’s really been upsetting me recently. I think about it almost constantly, and it’s put me on a massive downer (probably why I’ve started blogging again!).

On the plus side…I passed my driving test! Finally. Those of you who’ve been following my blog will know my frustration over driving. But yeah, I passed, and I have a car, and I LOVE driving by myself (: happy Anna.

My marines back in a troop..so far it isn’t that bad, only occasionally like today when he’s busy until ate tonight or when he’s away on a training exercise…otherwise it’s a lot like him being in hunter company. So Im Proud of him, and happy for him.

It’s my birthday on Monday and I’m so excited, I’m also off to Amsterdam next Thursday until the following Monday (over Easter weekend) which should be amazing. I’m so excited about it. I just hope my drivers license comes before then so I don’t have to use my passport as ID all the time.

Fruitfly and I are all good at the minute, haven’t argued in a long time which is really nice. College is ok, honestly? I’m just sticking it out until the holidays and then study leave. I only have like 28 days left of lessons anyway. An old friend of mine (we talked and were close about two years ago) chatted to me the other day which is nice and we’ve been texting on and off ever since. He’s a nice guy, we get on well.

“Yeah, about the test…
The test will measure whether you are an informed, engaged and productive citizen of the world. It will take place in schools and bars and hospitals and dorm rooms and places of worship. You will be tested on first dates, in job interviews, while watching football and while scrolling through your twitter feed. The test will judge your ability to think about things other than celebrity marriages, whether you’ll be easily persuaded by political rhetoric and whether you’ll be able to place your life and your community in a broader context.
The test will last your entire life and will be comprised of the millions of decisions that when taken together, make your life yours.
And everything — EVERYTHING, will be on it.”